It Seems Pimping is One of The Three R’s Now

Copyright: The Metro

Leap for me girls. That’s what success feels like

It seems that some people are worried about my high-horse. That I use it too much and the poor thing deserves a rest. Not to fear, I do feed and water it regularly and ensure that it is well rested for when I need to trot it out (like a tired analogy that this too has become).

So I could only just rush to my horse fast enough after reading an article sent to me that was in the FT at the start of the month.

If you are unable to open that or can’t be bothered to sign up to a free site, Chris Cook reports on getting an unsolicited voicemail from a press liaison officer at the Badminton School in Bristol in which he was asked if he would be able to come down and see them on A-Level results day as they had “some absolutely beyootiful girls…getting their A-Level results tomorrow. Some lovely stories….They’re amazing girls.” He then further goes on to mention a senior teacher from an unnamed school who invited him down for End-of-Year school sports day. Here he was told that he could use the chance to watch the girls playing sports as an opportunity to pick the most ‘promising’ candidates for the A-level photos. Seems that Pimping is one of the 3 R’s now.

Every year we are treated to photo after photo of sexy (usually blonde) young girls who get their results, did well and decide the best way to express it is to leap into the air! Sometimes as a group! Sometimes off a wall! Kooky! I doubt that the photographer would be as keen to snap the “beyootiful” girls if one of them got a bad result and their perfect face snapped into frown with tears because as we all know, no matter how beautiful you are, when you cry you look like a shitting baboon.

Indeed some people have (rather brilliantly) gone to lengths to collate these daft show pieces for our amusement, like ‘It’s Sexy A-Levels’. [Edit: Now, sadly, no longer updated but still provides a great archive] Here they even list the ideal situation for a photographer on these shoots. They must be “blonde, twins, going to Oxbridge, leaping for joy, holding aloft their results, but not so high as to obscure a glimpse of decolletage”. It should also be noted that in our modern and free thinking society, our papers buck the trend by telling disabled and ethnic people to kindly ‘Foxtrot-Oscar’. Nothing here but Whitey and her 4 limbs.

When asked about it the Badminton School ‘defended’ itself by saying that “We always do this and, to be honest, most girls are attractive at 18.” There would be a school sticking two fingers up to the CRB check and doing their best Peter Stringfellow impression. I would imagine they were holding a cigar in one hand, drinking brandy with the other and had their feet up on one of these ‘attractive 18 year olds’ dressed in a gold bikini whilst saying that. Or just rubbing themselves gently from inside their pocket.

So how could we redress this imbalance? Post more photos of ugly teens getting their results? Or more photos of kids with no futures having confirmation of that fact? Or for every picture a blonde leaping so high into the air with glee that a section of midriff is exposed (and maybe a tell-tale thong string), a photo of the layup editor’s face when he first saw that photo must be attached like a postage stamp to the top corner. If you are going to produce material of a questionable material, at least prevent any perverts from enjoying it by having your sweaty, gurning face at the top. It is your duty as a hack.

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