Facebook: Apply Sparingly

We're watching you.......

We’re watching you…….

Facebook is the UK’s number one tool for trying to convince people that you are popular by uploading pictures of yourself in nightclubs.

But that’s not all this huge social network (hmmm…good film name) site can do. You can also list all of your favourite bands that no-one has heard of in a pointless note that no-one will read, spend hours slogging through an endless list of ‘naughty’ things you have done and add people who you may have shared a tube carriage with in 1999.

Until recently, these were all devices you needed to maintain your absurd masquerade of being an interesting person. However, you can now supplement your profile with an expanding array of sloppily programmed applications. These can do anything from allowing you to brag about your knowledge of Friends trivia, to experiencing the life of a cyber-farmhand, complete with virtual shit-raking…probably.

These new additions to the established Facebook formula of hollow boasting and thinly-veiled references to exciting things that have happened to you are causing a real stir, and like every idiot I am keen to jump on this bandwagon. Sadly, as an engineer, I know little about programming, so I appeal to all nerds with a lax attitude towards things like ‘me taking all the credit’ to help me code my awesome App ideas. Here are some of the early ones:

Friends+

This application will go through the electoral register and add everybody in there as your friend. Most will accept because, like you, they are desperate to have more friends listed than their ex-girlfriends in order to demonstrate that they are ‘coping fine, thank you very much’ and that their life is not falling apart. It will automatically generate wall posts like “Hey long time no see, how are you doing?” and then hopefully they will post back on your wall and push the news feed post about your ex telling you about their trip to Spain with their new fella.

SuiStatus

You can use this application to generate enigmatic status updates that make it seem like you are contemplating suicide. This will cause concerned friends to post on your wall, telling you they love you. You can then choose to either post back saying they misunderstood, or not to log on for a week and see if you get any panicked text messages.

MyFaceSpaceBook

The aim of this App is to provide the functionality of the rival site MySpace. You can upload a blurry, garish JPEG to your background which you can then tile over and over, causing madness to the visitor and prevents anyone reading the text on there. You will also be able to completely destroy the profile’s format so that it requires a monitor the size of the IMAX to display without scroll bars and causes your browser to give up and die. Finally, you will be able to upload extremely loud, low-quality sound clips that will automatically play on loop and perforate the eardrums of anyone stupid enough to open your profile. And the play/pause button will be camouflaged into the profile background. And it will move. Constantly.

Scaremonger 2.0

This application aids in the creation of an infinite number of groups warning of the closure of Facebook/the internet/the world. Lots of people are guaranteed to join these groups because, as we all know, if enough people join a Facebook group then its proposals instantly become official law in most civilized countries.

Ultra TimeSaver Deluxe

It is possible to spend a lot of time on Facebook, and this application is targeted at those who spend this time conducting ‘research’. No doubt you are all familiar with this process: You see an attractive girl in one of your lectures (or the bar if you are an engineer) and work out her name from the register. Once home you go on Facebook, find her profile, bless your luck she hasn’t thought to make it private, check her relationship status, anxiously analyse messages left by boys on her wall for signs of intimacy, comb through her 2000+ pictures to see if there are any of her in a passionate embrace with one of the aforementioned boys, cross-reference her email address against her ISP’s database to find out where she lives, check it out on Google Street-View, clamber into a nearby tree, take grainy photos on your phone of her reading a book, break in while she is out, sniff her pillows, try on her bras, have a shower with her products in her bathroom, steal something small from her dresser, hand it back to her in a lecture telling her you found it in the street, lean in and smell her hair, ‘accidentally’ touch her arse in the crowded campus store, glare at the boy who comes up and greets her, follow him home, push him down a flight of stairs, crack his head with a brick, run to her house still wearing clothes soaked in his blood, propose marriage and struggle with the police as they drag you to their car. It happens to the best of us. This application just trims out all the faff and just contacts the appropriate authorities straight off the bat.

If you know how to make any of these dreams into a frightening reality, then please contact me on Twitter @TheOnlyMoxey. We will agree a split of the doubtlessly huge profits, but it probably won’t be in your favour. Sorry.

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