The Race to the White House 2012

This year is quite busy. There is an Olympic Games in jolly London town, a football tournament in Poland and Ukraine and the brilliantly named “Curiosity Rover” will land on Mars to confirm that Mars is a planet that we have absolutely no business going to, especially as we haven’t finished humping this one into oblivion yet. But none of those matter. At all. Because 2012 brings with it a US Presidential Election! Yay!

For the readers who were too young to remember the previous election in 2008 in which Barack Obama swept into the White House, thus ending poverty and racism the world over, I will recap. The Democrats whittled down their nominees pretty early on ending up with a straight fight between Hillary Clinton and Obama.

As for the Republicans they had a good collection of crazy bastards with Mitt Romney, Ron Paul and Mike Huckabee all pushing for the job. Rudy Giuliani wanted the gig but was unable to run a budget correctly and had to pull out citing a $3.6 million debt on his campaign. In the end the nomination went to John McCain, a liberal-ish, former Vietnam POW and a sound thinker. So the Republicans decided to partner him with the Mayor of Crazytown, Sarah Palin. A woman so mad she makes a man who dresses in the skin of his victims seem pleasant and approachable. Needless to say that America decided that with a 70 year old in the hot-seat and a genuine nut-job as his VP, the public thought that Obama was the correct choice to lead America to a new age.

Run forward 4 years and what has changed? Well we are all now a lot poorer, North Africa is less run by despotic arseholes and Bin Laden is deado. But who will be the leader of the country soon to be known as New China? Once again it’s a two horse race between the Republicans and the Democrats with a lame pony of Independents. Neither of the big nominations is sewn up and both have had a truly epic line up of tossers clamouring for the nominations.

First the Democrats. Obviously Obama will be the nominee and the eventual President and you might think that would halt the competition? No, it just makes it all the more exciting. Randall Terry was the most ‘normal’ of the candidates if you can use that about a man who wished to run an advert during the Super Bowl featuring pictures of unborn, aborted foetuses. Then there was Jim Rogers, the international man of mystery who refuses to talk to the press and abstains from all debates. Finally is a candidate named ‘Vermin Love Supreme’. He is well known for his bushy grey beard and for his fondness for wearing a wellington boot on his head. If he is elected he will make it illegal for citizens not to brush their teeth. He also campaigns on a platform of zombie apocalypse awareness and even promises a free pony for all Americans if elected. Frankly, how can America not elect him? He even glitter-bombed opponent Randall Terry in a Democratic Forum in December claiming that “Jesus told him to turn Terry gay”. America has had a black President; that is old. Now it is time for the next step, the first certifiable President.

Not to be outdone the Republicans have also fielded a team of no-hopers and lunatics. The five main contenders going into the fight were Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Rick Santorum and John Huntsman. We will come to them in a few moments. Firstly let’s look at the oddballs who didn’t make it:

  • Rick Perry – This man looks more comfortable in a cowboy hat than a Senator’s suit and is described as a ‘turbo-Bush’ which is a terrifying prospect. He released a video before Christmas stating that there was “something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military, and your kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas”, all said while wearing the same clothes as Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain. In addition, he reportedly owns a hunting camp called “Niggerhead”.
  • Herman Cain – The owner of Goodfella’s Pizza decided to run for President forgetting, or perhaps hoping that no-one would notice, his many sexual misconduct rulings in which several former female employees of his filed for sexual assault or just simple lechery. He disappeared quickly.
  • Michele Bachmann – The plastic-faced Tea Party candidate from Minnesota was outstanding from first to last. She claimed the HPV vaccine caused mental retardation, that there was a correlation between Democratic Presidents and the swine flu outbreak and even supported (briefly) a pledge urging Americans to honour marriage that continued the unfortunate lines: “Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet …a child born into slavery more likely to be raised in a two-parent household than an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President”. She is also married to a man who runs a clinic that ‘cures men of their homosexuality’. Great.

As for the main candidates Santorum was sunk by poor fund-raising and that the belief that the repeal of the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was encouraging gay sex in the military and gay marriage would lead to polygamy. Then Paul fell by the wayside after newsletter from 2008 surfaced in which he called “95% of all black males [in DC] are criminals or semi-criminal”.

Then there were three. Gingrich, a man who divorced two women whilst they received treatment for cancer and MS respectively; Romney who is so rich is hurts to think about and Huntsman, a truly Liberal reformer who is fluent in Mandarin from his time as Ambassador to China. For this reason alone, no Republican would ever elect him so he dropped out. And so we reside in a two horse race to see who will come second to Obama on December 17th. Until then it will just be a fight to the death about who can fling the most poop at each other, like a couple of vivisection Bonobo chimps, but in expensive suits, with the sole aim to smear the opponent so much that in the end it is irrelevant who wins, everyone will be filthy, tired and no-one will want to talk to them again. Isn’t democracy great?

6 Responses to “The Race to the White House 2012”
  1. Wayne says:

    No bad. But, the market sentiment indicates Obama is losing by an almost landslide.



    • theonlymoxey says:

      Thanks for the comment Wayne!

      I haven’t seen any polls as we only have the international editions of Bloomberg, Fox and CNN so very little insight – have to web trawl for figures.

      I only assume Obama has it locked out as he has been the Democratic nominee from day one while the Republicans have been tearing lumps out of each other, seriously weakening the eventual winner.

      Also he is the man of many seasons (at least for us over here). He is a liberal that tries to push through healthcare reform and a tough guy in the ‘removal’ of Bin Laden which means he might tick both boxes for a lot of people.

      We will see!

  2. You nailed McCain and Palin. Her nomination was an insult to women voters. Did he really think we’d vote for him because he put a Bimbo on the ticket? The sad answer is yes. But, then, Republicans think the standard for women is still bare foot and pregnant. Good summary and very funny, too.

    • theonlymoxey says:

      Thanks for the comment Deborah!

      It is a shame that in the world of politics where there are very competent women at work, staffers at McCain HQ picked her out.
      She has set back the ability for a woman to hold the top office in the US by years.

      There was a really good HBO film shown over here recently starring Julianna Moore and Woody Harrelson that showed her ‘ability’ at the job. I can’t remember the name but it was pretty even handed I thought.

      If only the Democrat ticket had been Obama/Clinton. Aside the political aspect, it would have been a huge coup for equality!

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