Are you ‘That Londoner’?

"Good view from here though"

It is vaguely bizarre that as soon as I set up a Facebook page and migrate my ‘blog’ to a WordPress site I suddenly don’t post anything for 3 months. Believe it or not I haven’t been riled by anything in particular. Well that’s a lie, I’ve been writing my thesis.

Since April I have attended a few weddings and managed not to screw any of them up. However while travelling to the latest one, my friends and I were moaning about the fact that it was in Dorset and therefore no longer in the civilised world. This was however then extended to be “Everywhere outside of London is shit”. It was at this point that I got off the conversation merry-go-round.

EVERYwhere outside London is shit? What about the Eden project, the Dales, the beauty and tranquillity of the Lake District, what about any of the UK’s beaches? Is Dublin shit? Are the white cliffs of Dover shit? What about Stonehenge? Let’s be clear, this isn’t a personal bent at my friends: this is a post aimed at the microcosm of city society, the rut-makers. I have lived in a part of London (quite a faraway part of London, but still financially calling itself London) for 8 years now. I love the City. The Thames is amazing, the parks are like no other city in the world, the museums are free and the galleries are fascinating. There is every type of person in London and it all happens there. But. And this is a Kardashian-sized but. I wouldn’t miss living there at all.

I could move halfway up a mountain in Wales or to a quiet, sleepy village in Oxford or to bloody Manchester and still enjoy my life, visiting the capital every now and then to enjoy it to its fullest, much like a divorced father loves his kids more when he gets to hand them back. I don’t want to be a ‘Londoner’ because once you are settled in a rut, you will never leave. No-one wants to be that guy in his 40s or 50s still living in Zone 1 because ‘this is where the action is’. I’m sorry; you are in another part of your life. London is for the young, please exit via this slide (yes there are slides, that is how young it is). You will go to family weddings and christenings in years to come and grumble that the local B&B you are staying at won’t  take card and be amazed when the pub closes at 11, the only taxi driver has gone to bed and the night…is actually dark. You will be a city mouse, out in the countryside and trying to assert his importance and ways on those around him and that guy’s an ass.

It is easy to spot ‘that Londoner’. They never use a cash point “because everywhere should take card” but then bitches that there are no cash points. Uses a flashy smart phone that won’t work in the countryside. Wears clothes made by brands you haven’t heard of because they only trade in the capital. Referring to the UK outside the M25 as “out there”. Getting flustered if they have to travel to Stansted or Luton to catch a flight. Getting the bus for journeys less than 3 miles because they have a travel card and lazy sods; in fact any journey over 20 miles is considered “such a long way”.  They are unable to comprehend why other parts of the UK have commerce and why the Commonwealth Games were in Manchester or why Birmingham has a motor show. And despite London being akin to a United Nations City with everyone living side by side, ‘that Londoner’ will find themselves grumbling about the lazy Indian across the hall who “don’t speak the Queens” or the Polish couple upstairs who make “foreign sex noises – sounds like goats up there”.

Don’t get me wrong, London is great but it is a phase in your life, like teen rebelliousness or elderly flatulence. Everyone moves to London when they are young and enjoys the lifestyle but then they move on. They decide that they want to have a family and by looking at the state of the little buggers on the bus, decide that London is not a good city for children, unless you like them to have a mouth like a sewer and a brain like a rock. The parents take their kids and move somewhere ‘nice’; a new group of young’uns move in. The circle of life. Unless you are ‘that Londoner’. Taking up room that young people need to look trendy and smell bad. Are you that Londoner? You should be ashamed of yourself.

One Response to “Are you ‘That Londoner’?”
  1. swede says:

    i am this person. no doubt.

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